nivalingreenhow:

when McGonagall finds out that Ginny is pregnant, and that the Weasley and Potter bloodlines will converge, she marks on her calender the day the child will turn 11 and that is the day she retires 

(via closer-to-nowhere)

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.
— Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via wetforest)

This is absolutely too great.

(via rachalind)

(via some-bitch-in-a-crown)

catsbeaversandducks:

Post-it Notes Left on the Train

Writer and illustrator October Jones, the creative genius behind Text From Dog and these funny train commute doodles, is at it again with these hilarious motivational post-it notes that he leaves on the train and in other random places.The upbeat doodles, which star Jones’ adorable character Peppy the Inspirational Cat, convey positive and funny messages meant to motivate daily commuters. Whether you’re feeling the Monday blues or in need of some encouragement, Jones’ delightful post-it notes are sure to brighten your day and remind you just how awesome you are.

Via My Modern Metropolis 

(via theusualconfusion)

sweetmadameblue:

theouijagirl:

kerplunkers:

hypo-thermic:

yogaboi:

toocooltobehipster:

To donate £5 to the charity supporting the male victims of domestic abuse, text the message: MKDV46 to 70070
Click here to watch the video

At first I though this was a joke

Don’t ignore this Tumblr

Yet they still do even when it’s right in their face.

This reminds me of how a friend of mine was abused by the mother of his child. She was mentally unstable and used to berate him constantly and would smack him in the head all the time. It really pissed me off. Then one night she threw hot coffee in his face and tried to stab him with a screwdriver. The cops hauled him off to jail because she made up a sob story that painted herself as the victim. 

Once he left her, he stayed with me and it was a nightmare. She stalked him and me. She would drive by my house obsessively at all hours of the day and night (her muffler made a weird sound so I know it was her). She started showing up at my job, showing up at the places I frequented around town, and filling up my voicemail with dead air. The cops were no help.

One day she got bold enough to talk her way into my home by conning my elderly grandmother, whom I was taking care of, while I was out. She went in my room and went through my stuff (creepy), then found him napping on the couch and attacked him. My grandmother witnessed the whole thing. He grabbed her by the arms, forced her out the front door, and locked it. The cops were called again. They said they’d go and ‘talk’ to her.

The next day we were watching a movie and there was a knock at the door. The police had come to arrest him. She filed a complaint against him and shown off some bruises on her arms from the altercation that she swore were completely unprovoked. My grandmother saw the whole thing since she was in the living room too and testified on his behalf. He still ended up serving jail time.
No one takes male domestic violence victims seriously. They only see males as perpetrators.

    

(via some-bitch-in-a-crown)

audreyii-fic:

oxford-haze:

eowyn-daughterofkings:

aatrunko:

lizziekeiper:

frankenwhale:

oddlyclad:

xcgirl08:

#cinematic masterpiece

#I secretly rate every action packed film 0-the mummy

Every once in a great while, I will tell somebody “You know, nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance.”

…And then I’ll be sad, because they have no idea what I’m talking about. 

I only gamble with my life, never my money.

The Mummy fandom on Tumblr is hella strong

What up mummy fandom I didn’t know existed! Loved this movie. Need to watch it again.

I quote “You’re on the wrong side of the river” constantly.

I’m going to grad school soon to be a librarian and I can’t wait to get drunk and quote all of Evy’s lines.

I’m an archaeology student and I recently re-watched this and the instant they made it clear that it was set in the 1920s I was completely cool with everything about it because archaeology in the 1920s was mostly drinking and blowing things up.

archaeology in the 1920s was mostly drinking and blowing things up

(via some-bitch-in-a-crown)

tallestsilver:

hotllamasex:

holyhandgrenaded:



i want to play this game

I would gain so much weight playing this game and I wouldn’t even care

tallestsilver:

hotllamasex:

holyhandgrenaded:

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i want to play this game

I would gain so much weight playing this game and I wouldn’t even care

(via allthatyoucandoiswishthemwell)

holmmes:

padfootstolemycrumpet:

estherparker:

beatrixspoke:

saaaaaasha:

death-frisbee:

An Acappella version of “Misty Mountains Cold”

By: Peter Hollens

Check out the version with violin accompaniment as well:

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i have chills running down my spine. holy. shit.

(via some-bitch-in-a-crown)